If the little green men get all their information from watching Earth from afar, what would they think of Conservatism ...

You know you are a conservative if you believe ...

• Because the media doesn't only report good stuff about conservatives, it is radically liberal.
• People feel more comfortable knowing they are in the secure and caring hands of a gigantic profit-driven HMO.
• Because Colin Powell's views on race, abortion, and other social problems are in line with most Americans, he is a radical leftist who must not be allowed into the Republican party.
• Smoking tobacco cigarettes is a harmless choice that adults should make for themselves without government involvement, but smoking marijuana cigarettes is a national crisis for which the government ought to imprison anyone caught doing so.
• It is patriotic to renounce one's citizenship to avoid paying taxes, and anyone who doesn't think so is a socialist.
• Any woman who wants equal pay,control over her own body or thinks for herself is a wacko feminist.
• The Budget Deficit is the bigget problem facing America now, and the best way to get rid of it is to lower taxes so that the government takes in less money.
• The most persecuted group of people in all history are white, Christian males and it is about time they started to fight back against their oppressors.
• Vince Foster was personally murdered by Hillary Clinton because he knew too much about Whitewater, which is the biggest scandal in all of American History.
• Because of the fact that David Koresh set his own home on fire, we live in a socialist police state.
• Your AK-47 is the only thing keeping a tyrannical government from imprisoning millions of your fellow citizens in secret concentration camps.
• Forcing a rape victim to give birth to her rapist's child is a way to support good family values.
• All problems in America today can be directly traced to a 1962 Supreme Court decision to bar coerced state-sponsored prayer in public schools.
• Ronald Reagan is single-handedly responsible for ending the Cold War.
• Sex corrupts children's minds, but violence does not, as long as it is committed by Republican movie stars such as Arnold Schwartzeneggar and Bruce Willis.
• A right wing dictator is better than a left wing dictator.
• Big Companies create jobs. Without their benevolence, nobody would be able to work.
• A good way to promote world peace is to withdraw from the U.N., dissolve GATT and NAFTA, and ban all immigration.
• Peter Jennings, making several million dollars a year and heard by millions is a member of the Elite Liberal Media, but Rush Limbaugh, making several million dollars a year and heard by millions is A Man of the People.
• Giving aid to the poor is bad for them, but giving aid to business is good for the economy.
• Government regulations protecting clean drinking water and edible meat are Socialism and Interference in the Free Market, but subsidized mining, grazing, logging, and defense work is just Good Government.
• Part of Getting Big Government Off Our Backs includes allowing said government to monitor all our electronic traffic on the Internet.
• Because a tiny portion of the money the National Endowment for the Arts gave out went to "obscene" artists, the best solution is to just disband the whole thing.
• Paying employees more money hurts the economy.
• Because America ranks very low among other countries in education, the best solution is to weaken the public schools.
• Commerical television is responsible for attacking morality and pandering to the base emotions, therefore, we must eliminate the only alternative, PBS.
• Family planning, which cuts down on the number of unwanted pregnancies without abortion, must be eliminated so that there will be less abortions.
• It is good for the economy when major corporations fire large chunks of their work force.
• Pat Buchanan, millionaire, media star, Mercedes owner, is a populist who understands what the common man wants.
• The best qualification for being President is to have never held any office, to hate Washington, and to be really rich.
• The United States should stay out of Bosnia because we are not the world policeman and Bosnia doesn't have any oil.
• Paying government employees not to work is helping to balance the budget.
• The world would be a safer place to live if more people had more guns.

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