You might be a Conservative if ...
- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
- You've named your kids
"Deduction one" and "Deduction two".
- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
- You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic slur) friend".
-
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
-
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
- You once broke
loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
- You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs".
- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
- You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches".
- You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school".
- You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie".
- You answer to "The Man".
- You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
- You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood".
- You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you suspect Bert and Ernie of "sexual
deviance".
- You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.
-
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
- You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values.
- When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho".
- You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut".
- You think Birkenstok was that radical rock concert in 1969.
- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
- You've ever said "civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties".
- You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me".
- You've ever referred to Anita Hill as a "lying bitch" while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
-
You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve".
- You've ever called education a luxury.
- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
- You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North : American Hero" sticker.
- You're afraid of the "liberal media".
- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates ...".
- You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
- You think all artists are gay.
- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society".
- You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
-
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
