1. You will call me "Dr. Laura", because I am a doctor of physiology. Neither my radio show, my television show, nor my books are about physiology, but if you are misled, that's your fault.

2. You will commend me on my television show, despite low ratings, stations that have dropped it from their schedule, and sponsors who run screaming when they hear my name.

3. You will begin to ask me a moral question. I will begin to answer before you finish your question (some may call this interrupting). If your question is not in harmony with the point I want to make, I will tell you what the REAL issue is. If I can make ANY tie-in to my agendas against the ACLU or American Library Association, I will.

4. You will agree with my conclusions about the people involved in your dilemma (whom I probably have never met, but whom I know better than you do), and I will make a recommendation to you based solely on your side of the story (unless you can get these other people on the telephone so that I can nag them, or nag you for them (so long as I get to nag someone)). If you follow my recommendation, and it leads to disaster, you will not hold me responsible, as this is only my opinion, and YOU called ME.

5. You will use the terms I tell you to use, such as "shacking up" (living together), "suck it into a sink" (abortion), "shack up honey" (live-in girlfriend), "warm place to put it" (single woman having sex), or just plain "slut" (single woman having sex who is your mother, sister, daughter, or ex-wife).

6. You will accept my apology for your sensitivity to my use of the terms "biological error" and "deviant" referring to homosexuality. I apologized in Daily Variety, a publication I'm sure is read by all my listeners, thus I did not have to apologize on the show where I used those terms.

7. You will not be offended if, during your call, I blame you for your problem, call you a liar, accuse you of not telling the whole story, claim to care more about your children than you do, or hang up simply because I'm tired of you.

8. You will give me facts, not feelings, because I don't care about your feelings, even though you worship me.

9. You will not question me about how I can host a radio show, host a television show, manage a charitable foundation, publish books, and sell merchandise while still being a full-time mom. I will, however, call you selfish if you place your child in daycare so you can have ONE job just to keep him clothed, housed, and fed.

10. You will do the right thing (listen to and obey me).

Betty Bowers interviews Dr.Laura

The Hypocrite

Good Riddance

Dr.Laura, naked

I Lub Dr.Laura

Gays can be "cured"