The Conservative Dictionary
While surfing the Web, you may come upon many conservative-oriented pages.
They use their own lingo, which can be confusing to outsiders. To aid you in your perusal of right wing web resources, here is a concise glossary of some terms they use. Standard disclaimers apply : "I know all conservatives aren't Nazis, my best friends are conservative, really, blah, blah, blah..."
... in totally random order ...
ACLU - Bad, because they defend parts of the Bill of Rights.
- NRA - Good, because they defend parts
of the Bill of Rights.
- Criminal -
Someone who breaks the law, unless the law has anything to do with guns, selling arms to Iran, or refusing to pay your taxes. In those cases, you are a ...
- Victim of society - Any white male, especially a conservative one, who are suffering now more than any other race in all history.
- Leech, Welfare bum/queen - Any person on the government dole, EXCEPT for corporations receiving tax write-offs, ranchers and farmers receiving subsidies, and defense contractors.
- Libertarianism - Survival of the fittest, and if you don't like it, you don't deserve to survive.
- Liberal - Anyone who shows human compassion, or reads the New York Times.
Christian - Anyone who is a member of the Christian Coalition.
- Godless Atheist - Anyone who is not a member of the Christian Coalition.
- The Homosexual Agenda - Gay people exercising their rights to free speech and to petition the government for redress of grievances.
- Grassroots citizens' movement -
Conservative people exercising their rights to free speech and to petition the government for redress of grievances.
- Republican Party - A political party which welcomes all conservatives, as long as they are pro-life, pro-gun, and anti everything else.
- Democratic Party - Communists.
- Gays, Feminists, Environmentalists, Immigrants, Blacks - These didn't exist until they were invented by liberals back in the 1960's.
- Washington - The heart of the Evil Empire.
Bureaucrat - A Democrat working for the government.
- Public Servant - A Republican working for the government.
- Rush Limbaugh - The leading conservative intellectual (do I really need to insert a snide comment here?).
Extremist - Bill Clinton.
- Moderate - Pat Robertson.
- Guns and Ammo magazine
- Pornography for conservatives.
- Our Founding Fathers - The true heroes who persevered and founded a nation conceived in liberty, and who also share identical beliefs with Rush Limbaugh.
- Religion -
What should be taught at public schools instead of science.
Evolution - A kooky cult started by Charles Darwin.
- Jesus Christ - A conservative Republican leader to whom some erroneously attribute the phrases
"love thy neighbor" and "turn the other cheek".
Ronald Reagan - The greatest President ever.
- Abraham Lincoln - Was a Republican when the party began 140 years ago, so he can be forgiven for freeing the slaves and suppressing states' rights.
- States rights - The right for individual states to pass conservative laws without interference from Washington. Note : does not apply if states pass liberal laws.
- Judicial activism -
What liberal judges do.
- Sound jurisprudence - What conservative judges do.
- Pro-lifer - Someone who is strongly in favor of preserving the life of children before they are born, but not afterwards.
- Traditional Values - The classic values and morals that made America great, such as lynching blacks, beating up gays and keeping the "little woman" barefoot and pregnant.
- Pro-family politician - Any thrice-divorced Republican congressman late on child-support payments who is against gay marriage.
- Criminals Rights - Should be ignored unless said criminal is a member of wacko religious cult or is firearms dealer.
- Liberal (2) - A conservative who has been arrested.
- Liberal media - Anything to the left of the American Spectator, G. Gordon Liddy, or Rush Limbaugh.
- Public Broadcasting - Rush Limbaugh (historical note : Newt Gingrich actually said this!).
- Family Values - A mother and father who vote Republican raising two kids who attend a private school in the suburbs and attend a conservative church.
Subversive elements in society - Bookstores,
coffeehouses, art galleries, and anything inside the city limits of a major American city.
- RKBA - The Right to Kill and Bomb Americans.
- Special Rights - Constitutional rights for minorities you don't like.
- Islamic Fundamentalism - The greatest threat to the Integrity of our Beloved Nation.(Fact : Limbaugh has said this on many an occasion).
- Christian Fundamentalism - The greatest hope for the Integrity of our Beloved Nation.
- Religion - Conservative Biblical literalism.
- Cult - An institution that
is not a RELIGION (see above).
- Scholarship - Any work such as The Bell Curve, The American Spectator, or The Limbaugh Letter.
- Liberal Ideology - Anything espoused in the work of Stephen Jay Gould, Noam Chomsky, or The Nation.
- Big Government - Federal social programs that attempt to construct a more rational, fair society.
- Proper Government - Billions upon billons of tax dollars wastefully spent on inefficient and otherwise prohibitively costly defense contracts, subsidies and tax breaks for corporations, and "The War on Drugs."
- Character - Religion.
- Family values - Censorship and Gay-bashing.
- Helping working families - Vote for me, get a check!
- Tried as an adult - Fried as an adult.
- Youth - For a Republican, any period preceding last week;
For a minority, ends at age six.
- Youthful indiscretion -
Any crime or moral failing committed by a Republican.
- Learned my lesson - Got away with it.
- Honesty - Spin.
- Honor - Not getting caught.
- Tax Cuts -
You pay the taxes so that the rich can be subsidized.
- Wise use - God intended humans to use up all natural rsources now, before the imminent Rapture.
- Humans - American corporations.
- Tort reform - A slap on the wrist is the only acceptable punishment for illegal or unethical activities by corporations.
- Political Correctness -
Left-wing lock-step groupthink conformism.
Simple Common sense - Right-wing lock-step groupthink conformism.
- Elites - Hollywood, People working for social change,
- Just plain folks - Corporations, Wall Street,
- Needy - Anyone earning more than $500,000.
Rigged election - What Slobodan Milosevic tried to do in Yugoslavia in 2000.
- Free and Fair elections - What the Shrub is doing in Florida in 2000.
- Articles of Impeachment -
when accusing President Clinton, open-ended vagueness required and no
specificity permitted - material fact-ignoring encouraged whenever facts conflict with common sense or pattern arguments.
- Bob Barr - expert on family values - innocent target of Larry Flynt.
- Budget Surplus - attributable only to Reagan and Bush - tax cut for the rich.
- Dam*(four letter version of damnation) - to express emphasis or astonishment.
- Dip-stick - usually reserved for personal attack - also usually best effort at original wit.
- Dumb - used both for personal attack and to express discigreement to a fact or idea against which there is no rational argument or JBS-scripted position.
Grounds for removel from office - for President Clinton, a name change at any time during his life, a bad hair day or anything else that can be discovered prior to mid-January, 2001.
- Housemenagers - open-minded procedure fairness experts - also conveyers of the gospel according to Ken Starr - disciples of Henry Hyde.
( uncharacteristically longer than four letters )
- a favorite word used both for personal attack and to describe any issue position locking the seal of approval of the right wing.
- Liar - used for personal attack and to express disagreement - use inappropriate for describing right wing heroes including, but not limited to, Richard Nixon, Ollie North, and George Bush.
- Material Witness - for a Representative, to be avoided at all costs - for a Senator, to be required at all costs.
- Paula Jones - the only person ever alleging sexual harassment worthy of support.
- Perjury and Obstruction of justice - the one and only important attribution to President Clinton worthy of discussion.
- Sex - any physical
act between humans not specifically admitted by President Clinton as having occurred between himself and an immunized perjurer.