Conservative Catechism
Brian
- As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
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I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I no longer need to compromise myself unless I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
- I honor all my personality flaws, for without them, I would have no personality at all.
- Joan of Arc heard voices too.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
- As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
- When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
- As I learn to trust the universe,
I no longer need to carry a gun.
- All of me is beautiful - even the ugly and stupid parts.
- Only a lack of imagination keeps me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
- False hope is better than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear
in the Hollywood Cafe. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
- Whom can I blame for my problems? I'll find someone
... Just give me a minute.
- Why waste my time worrying about the future when I can spend it reliving the past.
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me
naturally to the next step of blaming the Democrats.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
